Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?