@KentWGraham

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

@KentWGraham

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@KentWGraham

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@KentWGraham

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

@KentWGraham

After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@KentWGraham

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?