Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of KentWGraham's best tweets

@KentWGraham : After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

@KentWGraham: Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

@KentWGraham: After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

@KentWGraham: I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

@KentWGraham: I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@KentWGraham: How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

@KentWGraham: There’s a fire at a trick birthday candle plant. Firefighters have been battling the blaze on and off for 5 days.

@KentWGraham: If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

@KentWGraham: When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.