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Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper