I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Worth remembering.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
☺️