@KentWGraham

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

@KentWGraham

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

@KentWGraham

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

@KentWGraham

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

@KentWGraham

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

@KentWGraham

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

@KentWGraham

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

@KentWGraham

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

@KentWGraham

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

@KentWGraham

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.