I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.