I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.