If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?