Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip