[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it