Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.