If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
You Might Also Like
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
A French press is when you hug naked
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.