The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
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Every BBC series about the universe.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
You know…for fall…
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I have questions??
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.