WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
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Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities