Never mess with a drunken pig.
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Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Unimpressed
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations