Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?