{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please


[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]


TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh


Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is


{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Dory: I’m a talking fish


CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that


WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.


Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon