Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner