My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You Might Also Like
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Just got to our Airbnb!
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.