I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.