“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃