There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.