The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You Might Also Like
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”