@KimmyMonte

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

@KimmyMonte

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

@KimmyMonte

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon