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Page of KimmyMonte's best tweets

@KimmyMonte : what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

@KimmyMonte: {keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

@KimmyMonte: i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@KimmyMonte: "It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog" -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

@KimmyMonte: Ladies, if he:
- doesn’t introduce you to his parents
- never calls you back
- has four feet
- smells like potato chips
- could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

@KimmyMonte: The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@KimmyMonte: baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

@KimmyMonte: by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

@KimmyMonte: you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower