@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

@KimmyMonte

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@KimmyMonte

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

@KimmyMonte

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.