It has been 3 years since Monday.
You Might Also Like
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
i meant to share this earlier
Every work meeting this week
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.