Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
my favorite genre of twitter
Namaste
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*