While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta