M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed