Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
why isn’t he texting back
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely