On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”