Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
You Might Also Like
gm
*launders Kohls cash*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
not seeing the problem
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Haha! 😂
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.