“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.