Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
im all 3
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
🤣
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT