Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
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Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
What?!?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
scrabbled eggs
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.