My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
SF is the wild wild west man
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Meanwhile in Portland…
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit