ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
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Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-