If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs