Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
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Did my cat write this
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving