Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good