Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”
Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Saying “no” is okay, setting boundaries is okay, canceling plans is okay, eating your weight in Halloween candy is okay, pushing someone down a flight of stairs when they are rude to you is okay.
It’s called self care and it’s critical.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.