Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
the three branches of government
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”