I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.