DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.