I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.