Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.