cop: stop you’re breaking the law
me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws
when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop
mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
mother-in-law: i passed!
does anyone know what happens when your mom gets to 3? like has anyone ever been stupid enough to ignore her after counting to 2 1/2 and survived to tell the tale??
me: [making a chicken salad]
chicken: thanks i love salad
quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well
[getting a haircuit]
barber: how’s this?
me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂
i am responds with “baby don’t hurt me”, when someone says “what is love” years old
me: sorry what?
me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?
them: *unintelligible but louder*
me: haha yeah
[god inventing sleep]
god: people can have a little death, as a treat