@KyleSmells

cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws

@KyleSmells

when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@KyleSmells

does anyone know what happens when your mom gets to 3? like has anyone ever been stupid enough to ignore her after counting to 2 1/2 and survived to tell the tale??

@KyleSmells

me: [making a chicken salad]

chicken: thanks i love salad

@KyleSmells

quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well

@KyleSmells

[getting a haircuit]

barber: how’s this?

me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂

@KyleSmells

i am responds with “baby don’t hurt me”, when someone says “what is love” years old

@KyleSmells

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry what?

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?

them: *unintelligible but louder*

me: haha yeah

@KyleSmells

[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat