i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
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Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body