@LADaddy

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@LADaddy

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

@LADaddy

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

@LADaddy

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

@LADaddy

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

@LADaddy

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

@LADaddy

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

@LADaddy

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.