A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children