Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
SF is the wild wild west man
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same