It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
When you’re Kinky but poor
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.