My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
You Might Also Like
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Best spot.. 😅
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.